I haven't been able to sleep thru the night for quite some time. It's a combination of different things. The baby isn't still sleeping thru the night. It's hot and my parents don't believe in wasting electricity to turn on the air conditioning. But mostly, it's my thoughts.
I lay awake at night confused. I tried to dream so I can sleep but I don't even know what to dream about anymore.
I used to dream about what our life would be like, post military. I had dreams of this beautiful happy family living in this beautiful house. That we had a porch where we would watch the kids play in the front yard. I would dream of all the vacations we would take. But mostly I would dream about how happy in love we were.
Now my dreams have been robbed. I'm forced to create new ones. And there in lies my dilemma. I still want to dream of those things, but now I can no longer see it.
Then I cry, sad and angry that these dreams could have so easily have become reality. That our dreams were no longer worth reaching for. And I wonder what he's thinking. Or doing. Wondering if we're missed or if we've even crossed his mind. Wondering how it was so easy to walk away, and leave us behind.
Life is about choices. And if it were up to me, I would never ans could never have chosen this path. It's bittersweet to talk to my kids (the stepkids, rather). But I hear their pain, though they don't admit it. They tell me what they've been up to and how others are doing fun things with them. But I can still hear the sadness, I can hear the longing.
Cuz here's the funny thing about my dreams. They weren't just mine, they belonged to us all.
I've run out of people to talk to. No one seems to understand my pain. Everyone has expected that I would have already moved on. But it's only been one month.
Yes it was a turbulent year. But I got my hopes back up, only to have them let down yet again.
I promise one day, I'll be back to normal.