I miss sleep

I haven't been able to sleep thru the night for quite some time. It's a combination of different things. The baby isn't still sleeping thru the night. It's hot and my parents don't believe in wasting electricity to turn on the air conditioning. But mostly, it's my thoughts.

I lay awake at night confused. I tried to dream so I can sleep but I don't even know what to dream about anymore.

I used to dream about what our life would be like, post military. I had dreams of this beautiful happy family living in this beautiful house. That we had a porch where we would watch the kids play in the front yard. I would dream of all the vacations we would take. But mostly I would dream about how happy in love we were.

Now my dreams have been robbed. I'm forced to create new ones. And there in lies my dilemma. I still want to dream of those things, but now I can no longer see it.

Then I cry, sad and angry that these dreams could have so easily have become reality. That our dreams were no longer worth reaching for. And I wonder what he's thinking. Or doing. Wondering if we're missed or if we've even crossed his mind. Wondering how it was so easy to walk away, and leave us behind.

Life is about choices. And if it were up to me, I would never ans could never have chosen this path. It's bittersweet to talk to my kids (the stepkids, rather). But I hear their pain, though they don't admit it. They tell me what they've been up to and how others are doing fun things with them. But I can still hear the sadness, I can hear the longing.

Cuz here's the funny thing about my dreams. They weren't just mine, they belonged to us all.

I've run out of people to talk to. No one seems to understand my pain. Everyone has expected that I would have already moved on. But it's only been one month.

Yes it was a turbulent year. But I got my hopes back up, only to have them let down yet again.

I promise one day, I'll be back to normal.

Stress

Nothing stresses me out more than finances, as I'm sure everyone else can attest to. And frankly, right now, my financial situation sucks.

It's hard to jump back into the workforce after being out of work for the past four years. It's not like I've just been sitting on my butt doing nothing. But unfortunately, society doesn't view being a stay-at-home mom as a "real" job.

I'm grateful for the help I have been given this far. My family has taken us in, X is giving us money but he seems wavering.

It's frustrating not being able to stand on my own.

It's definitely evident the lessons here I'm supposed to learn. Faith -- that everything will be ok, that I will be provided for. Patience -- that in due time, all will turn out alright. Humility and gratitude -- I have a lot to be thankful for. My situation could be much worse.

But for me it feels pretty crappy. I don't like to rely on others. I feel like (and have been made to feel like) a burden. I hate that feeling. I want to move forward quickly but it's one thing after another for me.

How can I move forward when that light at the end of the tunnel seems further and further away?

I guess that's where I need to practice those lessons I'm obviously being given. Sigh.....

Only the lonely...

It's nights like this, when I'm relaxing, that the loneliness creeps in.  It makes me mourn for what was and what could have been.  It makes me sad, but then it also upsets me.

How am I in this situation? Why did this happen? Why couldn't you protect me, protect our family, protect what we built, protect our dreams?

Why do I have to rebuild my dreams without you in it? I don't know what I want anymore.  It's hard to see my future.  But I do know what I don't want, and I do know what I deserve.

I deserve to be happy, and right now, I'm not.  But one day I will be.

I'm definitely grieving, mourning for our loss.  Mourning for my lost dreams, not just for me but for us all.  What's aggravating is that I feel like I'm not allowed to mourn.  This wasn't some high school, puppy love relationship.  You were my husband, the father of our children, my companion and best friend, and my eternal companion.  And now....well who knows.

I just know I won't be like this forever, but for the meantime, I will continue to mourn.

Tests

And no, I'm not talking about the school kind. Those are relatively easy in comparison to the life ones.

For some reason, our dear Heavenly Father seems to think there are lessons in life that I desperately need to learn. Which is fine, but apparently it's like finals week for me and I keep getting hit with one after another.

So I've been down lately. So down that I requested my kids' visit be cut short, which I don't think the X minded anyways.

He, as well as a few close others have been trying to lift my spirits up, out of concern for my current state of mental anguish. And it's all coming from the same theme, that Satan is out to destroy me by breaking me down.

Now you may not be religious but I am. And perhaps this is true. I am reaching my breaking point.

I knew when the X and I had gotten married in the LDS temple that we would be targeted. We all know from any religious background that the devil despises all things good. And what better than a happy family to take down. Well he successfully succeeded in bringing one of us down. So now what's left is me.

I should be flattered at how much he's targeting me. That it's apparent how strong I truly am, that he keeps persisting.

I am a fighter, I am not a quitter. Not when it comes to what I cherish most. He got the best of us once. And though my family dynamics have changed, all the more reason for me to fight to protect what I have left.

But that doesn't mean I can't throw myself a pity party. My life is hard. It can be worse, yes I am aware of that. I just wish my efforts to pick up the pieces would go noticed. That sooner rather than later, I can be happy again. Yes it is a frame of mind, but with everything seeming like it's crashing down, it's hard to find the simple joys in life.

But my babies are home again. My joys have returned. Tomorrow will be a new day.