It's nights like this, when I'm relaxing, that the loneliness creeps in. It makes me mourn for what was and what could have been. It makes me sad, but then it also upsets me.
How am I in this situation? Why did this happen? Why couldn't you protect me, protect our family, protect what we built, protect our dreams?
Why do I have to rebuild my dreams without you in it? I don't know what I want anymore. It's hard to see my future. But I do know what I don't want, and I do know what I deserve.
I deserve to be happy, and right now, I'm not. But one day I will be.
I'm definitely grieving, mourning for our loss. Mourning for my lost dreams, not just for me but for us all. What's aggravating is that I feel like I'm not allowed to mourn. This wasn't some high school, puppy love relationship. You were my husband, the father of our children, my companion and best friend, and my eternal companion. And now....well who knows.
I just know I won't be like this forever, but for the meantime, I will continue to mourn.
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