Faith

Have you ever thought about faith? It's such a small word but yet carries so much weight. I think people these days lack it, I know I do.

We live in an age of immediate gratification. Along with faith comes patience. Faith is the belief in something you cannot see, but believe or hope to be true.

Putting your faith in God is terrifying. For me especially. I am a control freak by nature so "letting go, and letting God" is a bit of a foreign concept to me.

I put my faith in God and tried to live accordingly in the hopes that my family would receive the promised blessings of our temple marriage.

But apparently, His plan was different. Apparently my husband asked for his strength in his faith to be tested (I don't recommend anyone to do). Unfortunately he faltered.

I was angry at Heavenly Father. How could he have allowed this to happen? What happened to my promised blessings? Why were my children and I suffering for my husband's actions? I still don't know the answers to that. I probably never will.

I read a blog that talked about our premortal existence and our decision to come down and face certain trials. Did we truly know ahead what we would have to endure here to return home? Maybe that's why everyone says "God never gives you more than you can handle."

I guess I just wish my struggles didn't happen all in such a short amount of time. But I can and I will grow from this.

It just pains me how it all turned out. It wasn't supposed to be this way, not in my eyes. But I will choose to have faith, that there is some unforeseen reason this all did, and it will be ok. I just need to stand firm and hold onto the iron rod.

Adjusting

It's funny because today I was thinking to myself how great it was that we were all adjusting to our new situation. My family has really rallied behind me this time around. I'm connecting with people I haven't seen in years, branching out and making new connections.

I'm particularly surprised at how well Bubba has adjusted. And then it hits...

The heat is unbearable. Really that's an understatement. Anyone who knows where I lived before (literally by the beach) knows life was heaven. Temperature was in the 60s practically year round. Right now it's in the 60s but dry. Combine that with the fact that we're all crammed in one tiny room, and you can imagine the heat.

So I finally manage to get HW done and little Chu-Chu wakes up crying. I bring him into bed with me and he falls asleep. I manage to get shut eye and Bubba wakes up sweating and miserable. Naturally he cries for Daddy.

I'd love to complain and curse their dad for making life harder on us but there's no time. Not when my little ones need me, and I need sleep.

And so here I am, releasing my frustrations. It will get better. We will survive.

Forget Me Not

So I decided to use a forget-me-not as my favicon because my SIL sent me this book.  If you get the chance to read it, I highly recommend it. 

To sum it all up, it briefly mentions how the beautiful flower got its name and reminds us that we need to take certain moments in our every day life to forget "us" not.  We need to stop worrying about being perfect, and enjoy the simplicity of life.

I am truly bombarded with so many life changing decisions all at once, I'm truly overwhelmed.  But this book couldn't have arrived at a better time.  I sat in bed the other night before I blogged last and just read it over and over and over until I cried my eyes out.  Not necessarily because I was sad but rather because I knew I was receiving an answer to my prayer.

I have been praying for the strength to keep going despite all that life has thrown my way.  And this provided me with an answer.  It reminded me to take time to breathe, take time to stop worrying, and spend more time focusing on what blessings I do have in my life.

And that's just what I did.  I grabbed my babies and put them in bed with me, despite how late it was, knowing they should have been asleep, turned off the TV and watched them play with one another.  They are my strength.  THEY are the answers to all my prayers.

And Now I'm Back, From Outer Space

Hello all,

It has certainly been awhile since I've blogged. Life has surely thrown me my fair share of curveballs.

"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of what it is supposed to be." This definitely was not how my life was supposed to be. Five years ago, I met the love of my life and his two kids. We had a whirlwind romance, gave up my great paying job to get married, and welcomed our first son into the world. Thus began my journey as a first stay-at-home-mommy and military spouse.

I definitely don't regret the life I lead. Motherhood blessed me with greater joy than I ever knew existed. That along with the military lifestyle brought me new experiences and forced me to grow as a person. I met wonderful people who helped me to become the person I used to be.

But of course when things are too good to be true, life has a funny way of derailing it. The past two years have been hell for my family. I'd redirect you to my other blog but in a fit of frustration, I deleted it.

Two years ago, marked the beginning of the end of my fairytale. My husband suffered a stroke the week of his deployment. And although everyone kept saying it was a huge blessing in disguise, I knew for him it was going to change him forever. I just had no idea how badly it would change him. It's funny because to this day, he'll say that's the day he died. No, not literally, but that man - the love of my life ceased to exist. I was left with the shell of him. But everything I knew and loved was gone. He changed. Things happened from that point on that changed us forever. I felt alone, abandoned, and afraid. I grew bitter at the way he handled his stroke. As did everyone else around us. But people have tried to comfort me and remind me that this isn't him. The man I loved would never have betrayed or abandon me and my children. But here I stand, alone. I think to myself, could I have handled the situation differently if it had happened to me? I'd like to think so. But I've always felt women were stronger than men to begin with.

But despite all that pain, I can't forget that Heavenly Father blessed me with a little ounce of strength to keep fighting. And thus despite all the turmoil and despair, we welcomed a second child. It is because of my boys that I carry on. That I fight for my beliefs in keeping my family together. But sadly, I fought alone. Thus begins our new journey. I know that although we have huge mountains to climb in life, if I persevere and stand strong, my view at the top and the end of the journey will be breathtaking. I will look back on all my struggles, and it will be worth it in the end. But I must remember to stop and gather forget-me-nots along the way. That's why He gave me my boys, to remind me to stop and celebrate the little joys in life along my journey. I know He has a plan for me. And although I wish my plan and His plan had been one and the same, I know I need to let go and have faith that my end in sight will be far greater than even I could imagine.